After eternity had passed I felt this enormous jerk, my chute opened and I just stopped in mid air. I was suspended a couple of miles above earth and everything was crystal clear. The view was breathtaking and I culd see everything for miles. It was like looking at a perfect little diorama. I just wanted to stay there, suspended, until my brain had time to process everything my senses were taking in. I drifted through a cloud and tasted it. I know, wierd, but what would you do??? I looked down at the tidy little farms, each like different squares in a patchwork quilt with thier toy tractors happily chugging along. The Matchbox cars on the roads that looked like ribbons gracefully curving around the squares of the landscape quilt. I could see a minature city (Atlanta, GA) off in the distance, the windows on the highrise buildings twinkling at me like clusters of minature diamonds. There was just SO MUCH to process. I couldn’t take it all in fast enough to process it.

Then too soon it was tiMe to take control of the chute and start navigating my way slowely to the ground. I remember thinking “this is what a bird feels like”. I know, random thought, but what can I say, I had jJUST JUMPED OUT OF A PLANE!

You are probably wondering what all this has to do with the title of this post. The simple answer is: That is what the first year of my divorce felt like. There are of course differences. I willingly jumped out of that plane, well, sort of. I made the decision to do it, made the appointment, strapped on the parachute and climbed on the plane. That was the willing part. I am a little ambivalent about the actual “jumping out” part. The beginning of the end, (which I now know was in fact the beginning of my new beginning) progressed a little differently. I was obviously a participant, though the time, place and manner in which it started were not my choice. I hate that I had to react to circumstances so far out of my control on a matter so life shattering. In the course of one week my whole life shattered. Seven days to destroy what had taken twenty years to build. It still boggles my mind, and it is almost two years later from the day thAT Hurricane Divorce landed on the shores of my life. I can only describe it as total destruction. And in the aftermath you have no idea how far reaching the effects of that storm will be.

Happy New Year! 2008 has been, well, it’s been a year. I haven’t really sorted out my feelings about the past 12 months. There have been alot of blessings and alot of sorrows.  Some major changes (both personally and globally) and alot of days that just sort of ran together. This is my first post in months, I think since September, and if anyone was checking I apologise. I seem to have been hiding in my insulated little corner of the world padded by thousands of yards of yarn. I’m not really sure how I got here. It must have been a slowww slippage down into the abyss since I didn’t even notice until now.

Since it’s the beginning of another year I have been thinking about what I want to do different this year (you know, the old “New Years Resolutions”) and then I heard this voice in my head shout “NOOOOOOOOO” (please don’t worry, I am farely certain it was just my subconcious speaking). Every year I make a “list” of stuff that looks great on paper but in actuality it’s just a wish list of stuff I want my fairy god mother to wave her wand and make it so. Optimistic yes, realistic no. So I have decided instead to work on those things about myself that are in my control and stop hiding my head in the sand (or yarn in my case).

I figured the first thing I needed to do was take an HONEST look at myself, physically, mentally and emotionally. So that’s what the photo is all about. This is me. I am 43 years old, 5’4 1/2″ tall, 163 lbs and live in sweatshirts. I have my hair in pigtails most of the time (and if I am being honest this is NOT a good look on me) and seldom wear makeup anymore. We are starting with the physical since it is the most visible. I posted the picture in black and white because right now that is how I see myself. I am going to start working on that now, but I have a feeling the physical changes will be the easy part.

So here is my promise. I will always be honest in my blog but try to not be a pity party. If it sounds like I am will someone, anyone, please verbally smack me in the head? This is the first day of the rest of my life, right??? I have decided to make the change be me.

Michael Frances Ferulano

08-23-1939 to 08-14-2008

After Kendle’s graduation Tim (my husband) hopped a plane home and I went to Seattle. My father Michael Ferulano was scheduled on August 14, 2008 for open heart surgery and I had promised to be there. I got in on the night of the 12th. On the 13th I took my dad for dinner at his favorite restaurant 13 Coins. You would have to know my dad to understand why this was such a production. Michael never lived by the same rules that apply to the rest of us. He did things in his own order, his own time and his own way. Anything else just did not exist for him. So needless to say this was a 3 hour dinner. I won’t bore you with the details but lets just say dad could eat! He called it his “last supper”. He was going in for surgery the next morning and he wasn’t supposed to eat after midnight. At 11:59 he was still drinking a bloody mary and finishing off the chocolate mousse!

We covered alot of conversational ground that night. As usual he tried to spark a debate on politics, religion and his favorite argument on abortion. I have gotten very good at calmly using the phrase ” Dad, change the topic or this discussion is over. I am not debating with you.” He loved to debate! It was like pick a topic and a side and let’s go. We also covered topics I don’t think either of us wanted to, but in retrospect I am so glad we did. It was around 12:30 am when we left and I said I would see him at the hospital in the morning.

The next morning at 6:30 they brought me into the pre op room to see him just before surgery. As I was walking up he looked at me and said “there she is, I was just talking about you (yikes, I can only imagine what that conversation was!). The doctor said it was time to put him under and to say goodbye. I gave him a hug and a kiss and said “Okay, Let’s not make this a 16 hour production! I will be waiting for you in the waiting room so lets get in and get out and get it done. I love you dad.” He said “I love you too babe” and they wheeled him away.

That was the last time I will ever speak to my dad. He was on the table for about 16 hours (ironic, huh?). The surgeon had someone call me in the waiting room every 2 hours to give me a progress report. When things started going south he actually came out and talked to me himself. He was very honest and compassionate. My father had complete respect and faith in Dr. Aldea. We both knew he was doing everything in his power to save him. God evidently had other plans. The last time Dr. Aldea came out he said that he was fading and he wouldn’t last the hour. He hugged me long and hard with tears in his eyes. It meant alot to me. He said when dad was gone he would call and let me know, then arrange for me to say goodbye.

If it hadn’t been for my best friend Christina being there I think I would have just shattered into a million pieces. I wasn’t angry. I knew my dad knew the risks and he made an informed decision to do the surgery now as opposed to later. I knew he trusted Dr. Aldea and respected him and he had been with my dad to the last breath. I just had this crushing weight of sadness sitting on my chest. To know I would never again here his voice, get emails, silly cards in the mail, ect… EVER. All those things that had been so important to dad were just gone.

I love you dad.

What can I say? It’s been two months since my last post and life has been a complete roller coaster ride since last you heard from me. I guess the best place to start is the beginning.

On August 7 we went to South Carolina to see our son graduate from basic training from the Army at Ft. Jackson. He had been gone since June 3 and we had only been able to talk to him three times. You have to understand that I am extremely close to my oldest son. Even when he was away at college for the previous year and a half he either called or texted pretty much every day. The nine weeks with basically no contact almost killed me (figuratively of course). I wrote him every day, though he was only able to write back a handful of times. I was so worried that he was not happy, that maybe once he got there he would realize he had made a terrible mistake and there was nothing I could do to fix it for him. How’s that for a “Mother” thought. Kendle is 20. I guess he figured out before I did that he is a grown man and doesn’t need “mommy” to “fix” stuff for him (crap, I hate that!).

We sat in the bleachers at the field on Ft. Jackson with a couple of thousand other family members waiting. They went through all the talk about the base commander, drill sergeants and honorees, ect.. Then they brought all the companies marching out. Of course your heart is thumping in time to the music the Army band is playing as you try to pick out your child from the thousand other young men and women marching by in perfect time. We found his company but they all look so much the same in thier class B uniforms and berets that it seems impossible to find yours. They march by and then dissappear from sight. The speaker starts talking again and though I am sure he did a wonderful job I really couldn’t tell you what he said. I just wanted to see my baby!

Finally all the speaches are finished, the field is completely empty and a voice say’s “Do you want to see your soldiers?” “YES” the crowd screams! Yellow, purple and green smoke starts rising in a line at the back of the field and the loudspeaker starts blaring “Proud to be an american” by Lee Greenwald. We hear a huge whooping holler and our soldiers come running enmass out of the smoke full tilt. they race across the field straight at the bleachers in a chaotic rush and then suddenly stop in perfect formation in a line acrossed. There wasn’t a dry eye in the crowd. I can’t tell you how my heart swelled as I looked at all those young faces trying so hard to look tough as they stood at attention. I was so proud that my son had made it through and was ready to take the next step in his Army journey. Then the voice on the loudspeaker say’s that the soldiers have to stand at attention and cannot move until thier family finds them, so go get em! Did I mention there are probably a thousand soldiers on the field in formation all dressed exactly the same? But it didn’t seem to matter. Most people went for the exit and around the end of the bleachers to get to the field. So we are not most people. We climbed over the rail and under the bleachers and were on the field in about a minute and a half. I had already figured out where his unit was located and it took about three minutes to find him about six rows back. I almost knocked him over in my joy to see him. He looked so darn good! I could see just looking at him that he had changed. He stood straighter and had such an air of confidence just standing in front of his father and I. For a second I was afraid I had lost him (I know, what a selfish thought!). Then he smiled and hugged me off my feet again and said “I love you, I’m so glad you are here!”. Needless to say I cried alot that day. He took us on a tour of his barracks and we met his drill sergeants. It was a wonderful day. The next morning he officially graduated and yes, I cried some more. They had given us permission to transport Pvt. Kelley to his AIT training base in Georgia at Ft. Gordon. We headed out that afternoon as it was only a couple of hours away and got him checked in.

We spent as much time with him over the next four days as they allowed and I could really see the changes in him. I realized my little boy was now a man, a US soldier. He has always been confident but now it really shows. In the way he walks and carries himself. In his conversations and his desire to do things “the right way” instead of the easy way. And he is happy. There does not seem to be one regret about the choice he made and for that I thank the Lord. It all goes back to trusting God to lead us where we need to go. My twenty year old son seems to have figured that out alot easier then I do sometimes. Maybe I need to spend more time talking to Him then trying to orchestrate the lives of the people I love into what I feel they should be.

We left on August 12. My husband going home to take care of our younger son Joey and me to Seattle. My father had open heart surgery scheduled for the 14th and I needed to be there. I will tell you about the next loop in the roller coaster on my next post.

We speak to Kendle almost everyday again. He is at Ft. Gordon in GA, doing his AIT in sattelite communications. He is very tired most times we speak, but still very satisfied with his life. I am so very proud of him. I can’t wait until he comes home for Christmas!

During the flood of happenings I have been working on many projects. A few I even managed to finish. One of my favorites is an adorable summer skirt I made for a friends little girl.

I used a pattern called “skirtcicle” that I bought from a designer on Ravelry.com. The yarn is Sugar”n Cream 100% cotton by Lily. I’m not sure the picture does it justice but the colors remind me so much of ice cream sherbert. Raspberry, Orange, Lemon and maybe Cherry flavor. I think it will a great addition to Lydianna’s summer wordrobe.

I have also discovered recycling yarn. Okay, I am not the worlds greenest person, but I am trying slowly to learn to do my part. I am starting with small things (I usually have a tendency of going whole hog and then getting burnt out on whatever it is). I am trying to remember to turn off the water while I am brushing my teeth instead of just letting it run while I foam up my mouth (insert mental image of a rabid animal, thats me in the morning). Rinsing out the dog food can and putting it in recycling instead of just throwing it away. Ect…

 I was cruising all my favorite knitting websites when I came acrossed some forums for frugal knitting. This sounds interesting. I am a great believer of saving money, clipping coupons, buying in bulk (you get the picture). They were discussing recycling sweaters they had bought at thier local thrift store. So I thought, I could do that! I will keep this brief but it’s not as easy as it sounds. So I have decided to only recycle sweaters made out of yarn that would normally be cost prohibitive to buy enough of to make something bigger than a washcloth. By far my favorite is Cashmere. It also happens to be the most challenging to unravel. I have actually finished one and will tell you about it on a future post. But start thinking along those lines. 100% Cashmere costs $47.50 a skein at my favorite local yarn shop. WAY out of my budget.

On the home front thing have settled down some. Kendle has been official US Army property since the 3rd of June. He got to make a one minute phone call home to say “I love and miss you Mom, I got here and I’m ok, here is my address ……. Love you, bye!

Then finally I received 2 letters from him Saturday. I was psyched! He’s alive, he’s ok and now I can start breathig again! Yeah!!!

Joey is out of school and trying to keep him busy this summer will be a big challenge. That kid is constant motion! You gotta love him (some of his friends not so much).

This last week I spent some time working on my website www.knitting-love.com. I added a couple of new pages and started a contest/giveaway. I am looking for some unbiased feedback and all the people who love me probably won’t be unbiased (besides, none of them knit so what is the point?) The contest is free, all you have to do is check out the site, go to the entry page www.knitting-love.com/contest-giveaway.html and leave a comment, suggestion or constructive critism and you are entered to win a gift certificate. Easy.

I have been trying to work on my sisters shawl for her birthday. Urggghhh. I have ripped it out 3 times. I think I am having a hard time keeping track of the repeats. Anybody out there have any tips, suggestions or tricks? My lace doesn’t look anything like the pattern it is supposed to, though I suppose I could just make it up as I go (I mean, she probably wouldn’t even notice right?). But no, this shall not defeat me.

On the home front we are in the final countdown for Kendle leaving for basic. The last couple of weeks have just flown by and now we are down to 5 days. It feels like we have a million things to do to get him (and us) ready. He still has not packed up his stuff at his house (just a bedroom full) and moved it back home for us to store. We are having a hard time trying to figure out how to seperate it for storage. He knows he can’t take anything to basic, but what about the seven months he is in Georgia for training after? Can he have some if his stuff??? Joe, if you are reading this HELP!

After reading this last paragraph I realize just how silly my little concerns here are. I have been following a friend on his blog www.sandboxadventures.wordpress.com as he journals his deployment to Iraq. I would encourage anyone reading this blog to hop over and completely read his. His constant absolute faith and calm reassurance that the Lord is taking care of everything has been a huge help for me in dealing with the process of my son joining the Army. Judging by his last entries it is still a turbulent time for our men and women over there. Joe, I am praying for you, them and all your loved ones who must wait at home. God Bless.

knittin5

Now as the time for his departure draws near I am asking God to give me the strength to send him off with the support he needs, to not show the fear and sadness, but the pride and encouragement he deserves from me.

On the knitting front I just realized my sisters birthday is July 9 and I have not even started her present yet. I have planned to make her a lace scarf from a new knitting book I bought called “Victorian Lace Today” by Jane Sotheby.

I have not done lace before so this should be a whole new knitting adventure. I am planning on casting on this evening and will post once I get started with pictures. Anyone with any advice on knitting lace please post me. I can use all the help I can get! 

Happy Memorial Day and thank you to all veterans who have given me the freedom to live as I choose.

Kendle’s job, or MOS will be Satelite Systems Operator/Maintainer. He will be leaving for Ft. Jackson, SC for 9 weeks of basic on June 3 and then on to 26 weeks training at Ft. Gordon, GA. I have already started making plans for visits as he will not be able to come home until Christmas.

A friend appeared recently when I most needed some support and clarity on the whole Army thing. He is being deployed to Iraq as we speak and is journaling his trip on his blog www.sandboxadventures.wordpress.com. I would encourage everyone who reads this to check out his blog, pray for him and his family and be a support to all our service personnel who have commited to serving us all. God Bless you.

I haven’t gotten much knitting done lately, still working on the Celedon Green Cashmerino sleeveless summer sweater for myself. I imagine the next couple of weeks will be crazy busy until my son leaves for basic then I will have a lot of knitting time on my hands (9 weeks!)

I would love to hear from anyone who has a comment on current events, so please feel free to post me.

Happy Mothers Day!!! Today I am sitting in my pj’s while my boy’s go into town for some donuts for breakfast. I hope every other Mother out there is having as relaxing day as I am.

The last few days have been pretty high stress. My eldest son has decided to join the Army! Not what I ever expected for him. He say’s he has been thinking about it for quite awhile and he has solid reasons for making this decision. He is exceptionally bright (1400 on SAT and 93 on the Asvabs) which gives him alot of options in the military.

While I respect and support whatever choices he makes it is still very hard as a Mother to let him go. I know he is a 20 yr old man but he will always be my baby and I don’t ever want to see him in harms way. Does that sound selfish? Maybe, I don’t know. I am giving him all the support I can generate while privately (or maybe not so privately) grieving. Hopefully by next post I will be stronger. If anyone has any advice on how to cope I would love to hear from you!

Enough of me whining! I have discovered Debbie Bliss Cashmerino. I love this yarn! It is so soft and comes in lovely colors. I have decided to make a sleeveless summer tunic from the winter 07/ spring 08 Knitscene magazine from Interweave press.  I love the cabled empire waistband and the soft Celedon Green color of the yarn (colour: 330011) I will update you all as this project progress’s.

It has been awhile since my last post. There has been alot going on in our little corner of the world. The highlights: 2 dear aunts with terminal cancer, 1 father having open heart surgery and a son deciding to go into the military. The only thing that has kept me sane is knowing that God is in control, not me.

I have been working on a section for my website www.knitting-love.com about sock patterns available on line. So I started a pair for myself. I usually am an instant gratification kind of gal and like to use thick plushy yarn, but for this project I am using Tofutsies sock yarn by South West Trading Company. It kind of reminds me of a very colorful dental floss! The content is 50% superwash wool, 25% soysilk fibers, 22.5% cotton and 2.5% chitlin (chitlin is a fiber from shrimp and crab shells, it’s naturally antibacterial). I love the color but the yarn doesn’t have much of a stretch factor. I am reserving my opinion until I get the first sock finished and on my tootsie.

I am thrilled with the number of free sock patterns I have discovered in researching on the web. I can’t wait to try some pretty lacy patterns and some footies for summer! If anyone has a great pattern they would like to share please email me at knittin5@knitting-love.com or post a comment with a link here. I would love to see other knitters favorites.

One final question. Does anyone else feel like they are knitting with long toothpicks while making socks?